Food

Its good like the warmth of an oven after the coolness of the snow. Its tasty like someone has taken your taste buds out for a night out. It calls you like the earth calls you when you jump out of a window there is no refusal. Hmm… well maybe not all that, but its pretty good.
First things first of course, the appetizers: a wide selection to delight your palate, with both cold and warm… served with freshly baked (well hot at any rate) bread, which with its softness complements the flavors of the salads. When you are half stuffed with these starters, you will find your main dish soon arriving, and if you ordered the grilled stuff, you will find it arriving on a self contained grilling unit, that keeps the food warm and fresh. The meats (including chicken based plates) here are usually very succulent, and I am happy to say that I have yet to encounter dry meat there. The way they spice the meats and flavor it, gives it a distinct and unique feel and makes it quite a memorable experience (I can almost hear someone saying yeah but getting set on fire is also memorable; so just to nip it in the Bud, I mean good memorable). The desserts are generic, not fantastic, although hot deserts in winter do feel rather good. There is nothing memorable about them.

Service

Slow is the key word here. Service is not paced for the modern world, but neither is the décor, so I suppose that that works out in total. Of course, this is not necessarily the fault of the waiters, given that the restaurant is a little spread out, and each one has to cover a relatively wide area and a number of tables. When the place is a little busy, you have to make an actual effort to secure any service at all; the trick is not to get flustered.

Atmosphere

The decorations and style are distinctly middle eastern on the inside, and on the outside the tables are spread out nicely with a nice view of gardens and a little artificial stream of sorts. So you see, the whole reference gardens and verdant fields wasn’t completely irrelevant, now was it? The place has a nice feel to, and it’s a good place to go in large groups.

Miscellaneous

Not much more to add to the above, except that the place is definitely worth a visit.
A little competition to liven things up here:
There is a mistake in one of the paragraphs above. The first one to get it will get a custom short story about them. Upon being declared winner, just send the name you wish to be called in the story, zodiac sign, and preferred setting. Oh and whether they would like to be male or female.
We will run this sort of competition every so often, depending on interest, laziness factor, and just whether we are in the mood to do so.

Location

It is in Azhar Park, in Cairo.

So What?

Try it out. You will enjoy it. We have spoken.

Food

Well, getting over the slight naming confusion, and the disappointed looks on the faces of many of the youths that walk in there hungry for some sea woman (literal translation of mer-maid, and the gender opposite of something far more offensive that I was threatened on pain of severe incapacitation not to use), we can move on in relative safety to the food. The food here is heavy, creamy, and often fried. It is tasty, that is for sure, but this is not the place to be if you are watching your weight. Unless you wish to watch it increase. There are some rather simple appetizers, that are nevertheless quite enjoyable, and its fun to dip the hot fried chicken strips in that ketchupy mayonnaise thing they serve with it as you wait for your gargantuan Greek salad to arrive. When it arrives, wolf away at it, and await the arrival of your main dish with great anticipation. Now the only things I would not advise there would be the burger thingies; they are the only small portion there, and are as dry as the wind whistling through … pretty dry at any rate. The lasagna is particularly noteworthy in its heaviness, and flavor. A piece of advice: don’t go there if you are not hungry… which of course is redundant but nevertheless, its not a place for nibbling tidbits.

Service

Key word: friendly. The waiters there are very friendly, and will really make you feel at home, especially at the end of their shifts when they start getting things wrong, in a funny rather than exasperating way (bow to the prowess of my mighty word skills). They tend to be very relaxed in their attitude, and so should you. It is more a place to wind down than to get worked up. Service is not generally fast, but the relaxed pace is kind of refreshing. If you want fast food go to McDonalds, and stop bugging the friendly waiters there.

Atmosphere

As you might have surmised (promise I didn’t use shift F7 for that word) from the previous paragraph, the atmosphere is relaxed. The lighting is low, and the sounds of the street are not very audible. The subdued atmosphere is enhanced by the fact that I have never seen the place full. And if I have never seen it then it hasn’t happened. The decorations are decidedly nautical; it seems like someone read a book about seaside taverns, and decided that that wheel thing you use to steer boats would be an appropriate wall hanging. There was, if I remember correctly, some sort of net somewhere on one of the walls as well. Of course these could have been the tools used to capture the legendary mermaid. Then they celebrated with a plate of spaghetti. Overall, the place seems to be imbued with a sense of coziness, given that after the meal you almost find yourself looking for a place to sleep, which might have more to do with the heaviness of the meal, combined with the low lighting than anything else, but I digress.

Miscellaneous

This is a nice place for a good, filling meal, and its not too pricey compared to other restaurants offering similar selections. If you are frequenter of Maadi, its certainly worth a visit. It is slightly confusing to sit under a ship steering thingy and not eat fish… makes you think of the word sea cow a little more often than is healthy if you order any beef, but then again, to each his own.

Location

Maadi, street 9 in Cairo.

So What?

Go if its in your way. If its not don’t bug me.

Upon arrival, we explored for breakfast, eating in many places, and even succumbing to the mass produced coffee from Starbucks on one occasion, and soon settled on a choice that we found to be a very satisfying start to the day. On second and 44th, there is a little joint called John’s. Being famished from having explored the area for several minutes we promptly jumped into this diner. The young lady there gave us some menus and quickly ran off to get coffee. Apparently, to work there on the breakfast shift, you need to qualify as an Olympic athlete, as well as have a major in psychology, as well as the memory of a fairly useful computer chip. Thing is that one of the days we were there, I was sure that the waitress was a cyborg, the expressionless face and the cold steely eyes were hints, although I lost the bet on that count, since she smiled as we were leaving and everybody knows that androids cant smile. The coordination between the waiters and waitresses as they swiftly slip by in their dreamy dresses… hey wait a minute…well they were fairly coordinated. I actually thought I saw two trays passing through each other at one point.

Food

The cooks there are a match for the waiters; the menu is relatively old school, but its all in the details. Let me make this clear; you get your omelet with mushroom and so on right? Its just eggs and mushrooms, correct?. Simple. So what I suggest, in the spirit of experiment, you get some mushrooms, cut them, throw them into an egg. Okay? Add salt, and drink up. See? Good. Now you can appreciate that not all mushroom omelets, or any other traditional meals, are equal. Now, add to that some serious pancakes, positively drowned in syrup, and you have a breakfast for a true champion. None of that flakes silliness. Of course, soon after that meal, and given the happy diuretic nature of coffee, you will also soon need a bathroom fit for a champion. Still, that event is in the future, so it’s best not to worry overly about it. Back to the present (hah!) the food is good, and the portions are nice and filling, and after going there once, you will most certainly be going back for more.

Service

Fast and efficient are the key words here; the whole team is well adapted to the highly demanding environment. Depending on who you are served by though, you will get different levels of friendliness; ranging from robotic cool, to koala friendly. Yes that just happened, the word koala and robotic were used in the same sentence. To describe a restaurant. I have no clue how I’m going to top that, but I will look forward to it, as will you I’m sure.

Atmosphere

The default state of being during the peak hours is one of simmering panic, waiters rushing, people waiting at the door, others trying to pay, and yet others just slouching about for no readily apparent reason. It is fun to watch though, and despite its hecticness, never reaches the level that actually makes you uncomfortable (as a patron, not a waiter given that uncomfortable would be a state that most waiters here would look forward to as a relief ). If you can make it there on Sunday, you can also see the owner of the place, who I believe is called John. Or Peter I’m not really sure. He really adds some spice to the place, roaring and laughing with the customers, and generally increasing the appeal of the place several fold.

Miscellaneous

It was interesting to watch as a woman pretended to be non chalant about sipping her coffee, as no less than three groups of people were staring at her waiting for the slightest hint of movement away from the table, so that they could pounce. The sipping gradually became faster, and the fidgeting more obvious, as she positively clutched onto her newspaper. She lasted no more than 2 minutes under the intense pressure of getting between hungry people and their breakfast.

Location

For all you short term memory loss fans out there, and all you semi-illiterate fans of big eating: the restaurant is in New York City, on Second Avenue and Forty Fourth. Not hard to reach.

So What?

Go there. You’ll have a good time, and you wont have to spend so much to get it either (unlike some other establishments that for the sake of everyone’s appetite I’m not going to mention).

Food

Having exhausted myself writing that condescending introductory paragraph, it is now time to move onto the main course of this article (yeah I went there). Fortunately, there is no correlation between the restaurant name and the chef’s ability to send your taste centers on a pleasure cruise. When you take your first bite of that mango sauce covered shrimp thing with a very fancy name, you realize that fruits and seafood are not such a bad combination, and ducks are not the only ones that can enjoy the company of fruit sauces.

The quality of the food is very impressive; the chef has a distinct touch that is pronounced and evident in all of the dishes that are put on your table. Each and every plate is unique, and carries its own combination and busts of flavor that are a delight to your palate. There are the sweets, sours, and spicies that dance with your tongue, taking it on a ride of its life (very funny all of you who were thinking…’hmmm its usually the other way round’).

The number of dishes offered is not that great, but in any case, you will likely as not have a clue as to what the dishes mean. Do not let that thought disturb you though, for whatever you choose to order, you will enjoy. The starter selections range from a collection of sushi rolls to a few interesting combinations involving various shellfish and shell-less fish immersed in a variety of sauces

Of course, this being a seafood restaurant, and one which based quite firmly on the lack of imagination on the part of the management, you will be very hard pressed to find any dish that is not seafood. Of course, the fact that you knowingly walked into a seafood restaurant, and then sought to order something other than seafood should be a precursory alert to the fact that there are certain essential existential issues that have passed you by. But the purpose of this paragraph, other than to show off the fact that I know words like “existential” and “precursory” is to point out the fact that if you are going with someone, you had best make sure they like seafood, either that or they will have to be satisfied with the lone lamb or tofu dish.

A tidbit here, a tidbit there, and sooner that you think the meal is over. I would recommend some dishes, but then again, maybe you should make your own decisions for a change. When the meal is finally done, as you shed a tear at the fact that the food is finished, it is soon time for desert. The selection is small but exclusive, or at any rate complicated. I usually go for the sorbets; they help finish the meal on a light note. There isn’t much to say about the sorbets except that it is cold, and of quite high quality. Once desert is done, there is little else you can do to put off the inevitable worst part of the evening: the bill.

It worth noting at this point that on Tuesdays there is an open buffet of sorts that encompasses a variety of sushi and other uncooked foods, as well as an assortment of seafood mini plates. The restaurant cooperates with its neighbor the aptly and similarly imaginatively named “Steaks” (apparently imagination is considered a drawback in the field of successful restaurant management in certain circles) to provide meat section to the buffet. So what you end up having is essentially a meat and sushi buffet. It is lightly off putting to try to picture beef and sushi at the same time, but nobody said you had to eat them together, so stop being silly. Of course it goes without saying that all that was said about the food earlier does not in any way apply to the buffet, which while it is very good, rates simply at above average instead of stellarly, insanely tasty.

Service

The waiters are probably paid well here. In fact there is a distinct possibility that the waiters here are paid more than some young professionals wearing classy suits to work. Not only that, but they probably get free access to the food as well. Enough waiter envy though, and on to the service; these people know you are going to spend some serious money in this place, and they treat you accordingly. You will be pampered. You will be honored. They will bow and scrape before you. They will treat you as emperor of all they know. You will, for a few hours, be a king feasting and revered. Well maybe not all that, but close enough. For a fun experiment you may try calling a waiter, and if you manage to get more than two syllables out before he reaches your table, give yourself a free cookie, preferably chocolate chip.

When you leave a tip here, you don’t leave it out of that horrid feeling that “oh my god they will think I’m a cheapskate even though I just paid quite a large amount of money for a rather disappointing meal” but rather “please accept this as a token of gratitude, oh magnificent epitomeness of all that is waiterly.”

Atmosphere

Subdued lighting, high ceilings and rich carpeting, along with comfortable chairs, add to this a sprinkle of smiling waiters, a pinch of privacy and classy customers, and you have a recipe (hah!) for a successful dining experience. In the daylight hours, the haunt of all those who are not undead, and have jobs that do not consider them property, the place is airy and bright, lit by the ceiling high windows, which are attached to a very high ceiling. The view is alright, but it is not fantastic owing to the fact that the restaurant is on the second floor, instead of the 45th where it should be. Apart from the erroneous choice of floor for the restaurant the level of comfort is quite impressive. There weren’t, on the various occasions that I have honored the place with my presence, any nerve jarring events, save maybe an extreme rush to the bathroom during one of the more extreme buffet indulgences.

On Tuesdays, the atmosphere is of course less calm and contained, and if you are asking yourself why this would be the case, and why Tuesdays in particular, then it is clear that you either haven’t read the section on food or have the retentive abilities of a broken sieve. So go back and read it. That’s right; the buffet is on Tuesdays.

Customers

Make no mistake; the customers here are well off. They have disposable income, and have no problems with spending it. Frequenters of the place enjoy a good meal in quiet and comfortable privacy, and that makes sure that you do as well. The general atmosphere during the day is one of quiet professionalism (extremely successful professionalism if you are having a business lunch there on any day other than Tuesday), and privacy during the evenings. Barring the relatively large family presence that you will see on Tuesdays, you will barely notice the presence of other people there.

Miscellaneous

Have I succeeded in making you hate Tuesday? If not, then you have a resilient psyche or are illiterate. Regardless, if you have made it this far, then you deserve a treat: I’m not going to give it to you, but you deserve it, and I hope you get it. The first item on the menu… I mean the first issue that we will cover is parking: expect to hand over a handsome amount of money if you choose to park in the hotel parking itself. Expect to meet the tooth-fairy if you manage to find a parking spot outside the hotel.

It is also advisable to reserve before going, particularly on weekends, that is of course unless you are trying to look willing, while secretly hoping that they do not have any free tables, in which case there is absolutely no reason for you to read this review, apart from blowing your mind at the sheer literary skill of the writer. If you wish to pay less, go on Tuesdays. If money is an issue, then just don’t go.

Location

The restaurant is located in the Four Seasons Nile Plaza, on the second floor. Yeah that’s in Cairo. In an area oxymoronically named “Garden City.”

So what?

Simple. If you have the money, don’t miss the opportunity to indulge. If you don’t, start saving up.

Supper, Lunch : an Unbiased Review Process!  (we do breakfast too, but it messed up the acronym).

Here at Slurp! we love food. We enjoy food. In fact it could pretty much be said that the very reason for our existence is food (and not simply because we would waste away in a heap of dust without food). We sure that you love food as well, in fact we will go ahead and assume that since you are alive and reading this, you manage to get your hands on food on a regular basis, barring any rather supernatural or for the less theistic ‘as yet unexplained scientific’ phenomena.

So, you may ask, what is the raison d’etre of ‘Slurp!’? and we would point to the first paragraph and hand you a map to the nearest optometrist. We love food so much that we felt that we might as well tell people where to get their hands on some interesting dishes, while reserving the right to go off on whatever tangents we feel we would like to go off on at whatever time we feel that this might be interesting, funny, sarcastic or otherwise more productive than our normal activities which consist of trying to figure out ways in which to have food not delivered to our various doorsteps, but to our couches which in their own right have… well you get the idea.

The Slurp! team is made up of people with very important qualifications; they must be able to type without their fingers sticking to the keyboard. Now this may seem a simple task for all of you out there who are not trying to learn quantum algebra in order to balance your food budget, but for those afflicted with this curse ’tis no easy task. Furthermore, we ensure the highest standards of concentration by accepting only those writers who, despite having a succulent pepper steak placed slightly to their left, manage to finish typing their name before devouring it. At this point, the image that people are trying to kick out of their brains at this point would be that of a group of horizontally endowed, sticky, and rather unappealing people typing away at keyboards that are hosts to so many crumbs that the civilizations that live there have almost built the Chichen Itza. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you believe that anyone from our team would leave enough crumbs for even a solitary young exploring bacterium to survive, then you are sorely mistaken.
Having established the caliber and magnitude of the people that contribute (entirely voluntarily, and nothing at all to do with the juicy honey and sesame marinated lamb chops being denied the writer until they finish their article), we come to the issue of where our reviews (that’s what we do by the way, since after reading the first few paragraphs we realized that it wasn’t entirely clear what we were doing here) are centered. For now, our main theme is Cairo, Egypt. Why, you may find yourself asking once again, would we write reviews in English for a city where the main language is Arabic, and we would find ourselves asking you right back… if you wanted an Arabic review… why did you search in English? But do not despair, since our group of young professionals finds itself traveling from time to time, we will throw in the occasional review of restaurants in other cities.

Of course, having established the fact that we are primarily here for our own enjoyment, and not yours, we will throw in the occasional entirely irrelevant and unrelated article, just because we can and just to remind everyone who’s boss. So if you find an article of self praise that would put Narcissus to shame, there is little you can do but test your own literary strength and prowess by reading it through. There are self imposed limits though, and although these lie at such an extreme end of the human spectrum, we will nevertheless outline them in order to reassure our soon to be loyal public that we are not a personification of absolute cruelty and do have some souls. For example, anyone caught praising the grandiose qualities of British bureaucracy, be certain that whoever wrote it will be forced to succumb to a round of discussions about handbag size regulations with the British Airport Authorities, whereupon, if he makes it out with his sanity intact, he will be declared a mythical creature since no one could possibly exist who could make it through that ordeal unscathed.

Our point has thus been made, we will review food. Mostly in an Arabic speaking city. In English. We also reserve the right to write (hah!) whatever we like.

We who are about to write, salute you.